John October 25, 2014 at 5:54 pm Reply

PSYCHO-BABBLE
A journey into the labyrinth

Just do not expect me to give you what you want. I can’t and even if I could I wouldn’t. That’s life it’s not my fault. Even though I may be able to change my ways there is no need to. Why should I. No one else would or does it for me. Go over the top jump off the cliff I have tried and miserably failed. I have tried so many times I won’t try anymore. Or maybe I will. It all depends on what? My mood. My chemistry.

John stay away from alcohol, OK doctor. I was warned over twenty years ago that mixing drink and pills is a bad combination. Escape to the future! Not recommended for the depressive, lacking self worth individual. Sod off. Go away leave me alone. I have a life to live, what is it?
What do you mean what life? The one you mentioned. Oh that one it means nothing. Solitary, in the garden, in public, in the interview it’s all the same.
What’s all the same?
Life you prick it’s all the same. Don’t you mean my state of mind? OK my state of mind, so what, and it’s meaningless, surreal, unintelligible, and worthless, it does not exist OK? No it’s not OK. Well then get a life. That’s what I’m talking about I don’t have a life. So you don’t want to get one. No why should I only be allowed one. Can’t we be allowed a choice, you know a multiple choice. Which life would you like, given the present state of your present preoccupation with society and people and this thing? What thing? Intangible thing, I don’t understand. Well you can’t put your finger on it because it does not physically exist. Like cyberspace. So I was right surrealism. Solipsism nothing exists outside my mind. This is a mirage, or a movie you know the lead character big hero at the end gets shot dies, the whole cinema cries. Washes his make up off, he gets in a cab and goes to an expensive restaurant. Buys a bottle of champagne and picks up the newspaper.
Critical acclaim.
Noteworthy. Money I’m happy. Why? The money. No the acclaim. Don’t talk shit. OK the money first no debt free comfort zone. Boredom, kicking my feet about. Boredom, depression. Now what?
You’ve worked hard. I know. You’ve reached the top. I know. There is only one direction now, down. Are you happy? No, why not, because I have money and a comfort zone and fame. You are a target yes? That’s correct. A target for whom? The underachievers. Who else, the jealous, the have-nots. How much does a have-not have. As much as the adverts have.
The TV adverts? Any bloody advert, everywhere, on the bus, in the cab. What the one you took? I didn’t notice, why? Because I have and I am unhappy because I have and the have-nots are unhappy with me because I have. What country are you in. Different ones. What about now? Poor impoverished Ethiopia. Are they jealous? No, because they are too starving to care. Food, food is all they want. Now I am in New York, are they jealous Yes. Why? Because I have a rolex. Where are you now, your eyes are glazed, you are sweating. In, I’m in I don’t know I don’t recognise the bloody place. So why are you irritated? Because I am happy being unhappy. But you have money and fame. And a queue. A line of waiters. Do you mean servants. No people waiting. For what? For me to die. Why? Why do always ask me why? Because I want to know. About what? The waiters. They are patiently waiting for me to die. Call them wanters, they want. What do you want? Happiness. Like when? Like when I was happy. When was that? That was when I was poor and fighting for something. What were you fighting for? A slice. A piece of the action, wealth, money it gives you respectability. To who? Everyone except, except myself. So how much is enough? Enough money or fame or praise I don’t know. This is all too surreal. Where are you? In the Garden of Eden. Utopia, Ambrosia, the land of milk and honey. Is that what you call it? Yes so bloody what leave me alone. You are alone. I know I know I know. Where are you? In an unhappy place. Are you happy? Now I am. Why? You ask too many questions. You provide too little answers. Give me space then or answers. I have. I know you have. I love the dark. We know. Is there more than one of you? Of course, we are helping you. Do you like the dark? Yes, no perception of time, no companionship. Does that make you happy? Yes go away. I am not here. Well stop asking why, stop asking questions. I have a headache. Are you dying? Yes we all are dying. Go away and leave me alone. You are alone. In the dark. Yes in the dark. Do you remember the light. I remember the Sun. Was it bright. Once, then it was dark, overcast cloudy massive thunderous clouds obscured my retina. Your eyes? Stop asking questions, you prick. You keep answering them. I can’t help it. Help what? Myself the environment the world the questions. Is that why you are here? I am in heaven. Heaven is not permanently dark. It is if you switch the lights off. Then its hell am I right? No you are not you are ignorant and have no insight. I have sight. You have sight but you do not see. The lights are off. It’s your choice. I don’t want the lights on. Why? Cocoon, blanket wrapped inside left alone, curled up foetal OK. You are giving up. No I never existed. I am not real my body is empty but my head is full. Open it then. Open what genius? Your head your mind let it free. Chains, padlocks I don’t have the fucking key. Who does? No one no one but me, you see? Do it then riddle man. Do what? Turn the key unlock the entity. Are you mad? Get out of here leave me alone. You talk in riddles and frighten me. You mean you frighten yourself. Piss off, and take the key with you just leave me alone for Pete’s sake. Who is Pete? The one who started all of this shit in the first place you know it I know it, so why are you asking me? You answer a question with a question. I know. There is a name for that. I know. Do you know what it is? Do you? There you go again. Where are you now? In a hole. Is it dark? Yes. Why is it dark? Because it is not light. Any particular reason. Yes because you have the key. No I don’t you have the key. The door is unlocked Sherlock Holmes. Well you have the switch then smartass. So do you. Where is it? Above your head. Switch it on. No. Why not? I like the dark. I am scared of the light. The light is realism. The light is knowing understanding and before you know it the tunnel of freedom. Why is it a tunnel? Because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel but otherwise it is dark. Where is the freedom? Are you just acting stupid, it’s at the end of the tunnel. Open the door. No. Go on open the door. NO. Why not? I will let the light in then I will walk towards the light then I will become happy. Why do you not want to be happy? Because it is an item.
Explain.
An item, something tangible it can be taken away from you. Better to never know happiness than have it taken away from you.

John insisted on remaining in his room with no lights in isolation. The switch remained in place. He did not once on any occasion try to touch it. To switch the lights on. The door remained unlocked. He did not on any occasion try to open it and leave.

Why don’t you leave the room? Because outside is freedom. But everyone wants freedom. Bullshit, If you don’t have freedom no one can take it away from you.

John continued to remain in isolation, but he was never alone. He had the voices to talk to and they never left him alone.

Do you dream? Yes every night and every morning they end in a nightmare.
Even then the voices do not leave you alone do they? No but they don’t try to hurt me like all of you.

So what’s with the knife? Are you going to stab me and kill me? No you do not exist how can you be killed. I will stab you and stab you and you will live for eternity. John started screaming. “HE’S SELF HARMING AGAIN” the lights blinded him (me). So bright, intense. Then the pin prick. Relaxation amnesia. Colours lots of colours, psychedelics fireworks, wonderful, the pillow is comfortable, I want to smile forever.

Leave me alone, just go away and leave me the fuck alone!