Isolation and ‘My Internal Bloopers Reel’

I thought, this morning, that I would write a piece about ‘isolation’ and ‘internal dialogues’.  But as I sat contemplating what I would write, the thought occurred to me that sometime those ‘dialogues’ aren’t really ‘dialogues’ at all.  Sometimes, well for me at least, they are more ‘monologues’ than ‘dialogues’.

And sometimes they seem to go beyond that even.  Sometimes – quite often actually – they becomes scenes which my mind seems to put forward for my displeasure.   Either scenes created or flashbacks replayed purely to taunt me or to criticise or demoralise me.  It’s hard to describe really – especially to someone who doesn’t experience the same or similar things.  But because I am sure that others do suffer similar things, I want to try to describe them.

You know how when you are watching something on YouTube they will very often include a ‘bloopers reel’ or ‘bloopers section’ at the end?  A humorous set of ‘out-takes’ which are shared purely for their comic entertainment value?   Well, what if they weren’t funny?  What if instead they were just designed to point out your failings or your flaws.  What if instead they were designed just to criticise, demoralise or condemn you?

 

Perhaps my sharing a poem that I once wrote will explain it a little better…

They flicker to life
on the screen in my mind
a comedy of errors
but always unkind.

Flashbacks of failures
Corruptions of truth
projecting my flaws
sent from self-judging sleuth.

“Look how you this…”
“and see how you that…”
Stereo judgements
in statements not chat.

There’s no conversation
no defense will it hear
The judgements are passed
with my guilt always clear.

And others don’t see them
all my ‘blooper reel shows’
So as films flicker on
the darkness it grows

Oh I know they’re not real
as “you’re weird’ you all scoff
but nobody tells me
how to just turn them off

So judge if you will
and continue unkind
you’re an echo without
to the films in my mind.

In truth, I think that we all have internal dialogues or monologues going on.  And in truth I truly believe that a great deal of what I am discussing here is more about ‘intensity’ than anything else.  As I re-read that poem I can’t help recognising and recalling the intensity of feelings that I felt whilst writing it.

And I am convinced that very often whether those internal dialogues become internal monologues is directly dependant on what else is going on in our lives and is deeply impacted by situations and circumstances going on around us or which involve us.  Generally – in my experience – in respect of relationships with those who mean the most to us.

And what is interesting, I think, and also something which – in my opinion – is a key point to all this is that very often when our relationships, especially our important relationships, are not going well there can be a tendency to isolate either physically or mentally.  And that, I am convinced is just so unhealthy.

The penultimate verse in my poem above reads as follows…

Oh I know they’re not real
as “you’re weird’ you all scoff
but nobody tells me
how to just turn them off.

And the truth is that ‘turning them off’ – those acidic, caustic self-condemning internal ‘blooper reels’, or those harmful internal monologues or dialogues –  can be so very difficult, can’t it?

That’s not to say that it is impossible.  I truly believe that with the right support – albeit that this support may need to be given over a long period of time – it can be done.

And I truly believe that there is something that can be done in the mean time.

In the picture above a single ‘Admit One’ ticket is displayed.  Which is logical being as these internal blooper reels and internal monologues or dialogues are exactly that – internal.  So,  since they are internal, stepping outside of them, stepping outside of the isolation they are born and hide within, removes their power and their hold on you.

After all, if every time you entered a movie theatre they were showing films which disturbed and hurt you, the simple solution is to stop going to that movie theatre.

But that can be a very difficult thing to do can’t it?  Which is why it is so important to find the right support.  If isolation is their home then removing that isolation removes their power. Something which I still find very difficult to do.

Having the right people – even the right person – whom you can discuss these things with or whom you can rely on to help you get out of that place in your mind or who will help distract you from either going in or going further in, and who will help you, is essential.

And that is one reason why blogging communities and this guild is so important. Isolation says “you are alone” this guild, blogging communities like it, and folk who you can trust and who will be there for you in the right way, says “you are not alone”.  And that has more value than we can even imagine when it comes to our Mental Health.

And they can provide another very important support too.  When my son was very young and saw or read or heard something disturbing or unsettling – especially if that thing was targeted at him personally – we would discuss it and put it into the proper perspective.  We would also combat hatefulness with love, lies with truth and condemnation with affirmation.  The right kind of support – be it from a trustworthy friend or a trustworthy family member or a trustworthy blogger pal is essential in doing just that.

It is my sincere hope that by my sharing my poem and the fact that I experience these harmful internal dialogues, monologues and ‘blooper reels’ (as I call them) with you, I will have said to those who also experience them, “you are not alone”.

And to those who don’t experience them but who write about Mental Health related issues and who are members of this guild and blogging communities like it, I hope that from what I have shared in this post you get the message that what you do by blogging and supporting in respect of these issues is so very important and so very much appreciated.

Thank you.