As part of our Member’s Profile feature, this comes from and with the permission of Feathers of Happenstance by way of her introduction to the guild
It is copied (with her permission) directly from her blog and no alterations have been made.
Once you have read it why not pop over to her blog and say hi?
Things Falling Apart…
I feel like most everything is falling through. I can’t stop it. I mess things up without even meaning to and these things are the most important to me in my life. I keep ruining my relationship with my boyfriend in various ways. I feel like I can’t control it. I don’t mean to mess things up, it just happens. This has gotten so bad that I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m pulling away from him and messing things up with us for a reason… that I have some secret plan that I’m keeping from him. I am not doing anything like that and when he asks me why I mess intimate times up, why I am distracted every time, why I can’t focus, remember important things, why I am so emotional, and why I am acting the way I have been acting lately, I honestly don’t have an answer for these questions. Because I don’t have an answer, he thinks I am hiding something from him. He wonders why I ask him what time he will be home every day he has to work. He thinks I am doing something at home when he’s not there, like cheating on him or something. That is his fear talking, and I have no solid way of letting him know that I am not doing anything like that, that I don’t have a plan against him, and that I’m not intentionally trying to put an end to this relationship. I like to know the time he will be home each day because it varies every day. I like structure and because he comes home at different times each day, it just bothers me & makes me anxious for some reason, and the only way that I feel a little less bothered/ anxious is to know when he will be home. It’s as simple as that. I don’t know why it makes me so uneasy when I don’t know the time he will be home. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything to count on in my life, I don’t feel like I have anything really solid in my life. This I feel is mostly because I unintentionally mess things up and hate myself for doing so. So, if I know what time he will be home, then it’s something I can count on, and it makes me feel better.
Now, when I try to explain something like this to him, he either says it’s an excuse for why I am acting the way I am, or that I am over analyzing myself, or that I am analyzing myself the wrong way. This makes me mad, and it makes me feel like he doesn’t understand. He will think of a ‘logical’ reason for why I am acting the way I am, tell me that his idea is the right answer, and that I am wrong for thinking otherwise. I then begin to feel even more alone than I already do. I feel hopeless. I feel depressed. I feel like there is no way to get him to really understand and be in the thick of this mess with me. I feel like, he more stands on the outside, tries to look at the situation ‘logically’ and from all sides. I’m not blaming him for this. It’s how a ‘normal’ person would deal with it, I guess…. but I just need someone on my side. I need someone to see exactly where I am coming from, to not tell me that the way I am thinking of it is wrong, or an excuse, or just an overreaction/ over analyzing of myself.
I need to feel safe, have a shoulder to cry on, someone to not tell me to just calm down, someone to let me let all of my feelings out, even if in retrospect I am overreacting. I need to feel all of what I am feeling at the time I am feeling it. I don’t know how to calm down without letting everything all out. I feel like I have to hold part of my emotion inside of myself when he tells me to calm down. When I was growing up I would call it “pushing the button”. Pushing the button means that I mentally push this imaginary button that causes me to hold most of or all of my emotion inside of myself at the time I am most needing to feeling it. I got pretty darn good at this, especially in high school when I couldn’t let my emotions show in front of my mother after she had changed. I couldn’t let her see the loss I was grieving because if I did, she’d ask me what was wrong, and I wouldn’t be able to tell her what I was going through and feeling, because she was and still is in denial about it all. I was a silent griever and let my emotions show through my artwork because my mother could no longer see the symbolism in my art anymore, though secretly i hoped that my art would somehow reach her, open her eyes, if at all on any level, even a subconscious one. This never worked. She couldn’t see it because this was one of the results of her changing.
Now I can’t hide my emotion in my artwork, and I can’t talk about it with anyone other than my boyfriend because I don’t trust anyone else that deeply. All I have is this blog, to get others perspectives on this. I wish from the bottom of my heart that he would just get it, that he would know how to comfort me, and then after I felt better come at this mess with me, and we could tackle this together. As of right now I just feel like a huge wedge is growing between me and him and this makes me sad. Every time I unintentionally mess things up for us, the wedge grows and he becomes more depressed and probably skeptical of why I do what I do.
I don’t mean to do what I do. I don’t mean to mess anything up. I don’t know what causes me to do or say what i do!!! All I want is to be happy and live a better life. All I want is to be understood and feel like he and I are a team, on the same page and on the same level! Right now I feel like he feels he’s at a higher level because he’s had ‘more life experience’ and wishes he could “teach me everything he has learned”. Those were the words that slipped out of his mouth before we both drifted off to sleep last night.
Our thanks go to Fathers for sending this to us and for permission to share it with other members.